Winter
Drowning in darkness. Wallowing in it. Why? Listening to "The Places you have come to Fear the Most" over and over again...
I just can't seem to fight it. Then I dive into it. I had a show tonight. Went out and acted like I was in Love and acting coy and goofy and even sang my little song...
But, I just want to hide. How did it all go so wrong? How did I get here? What could I have done different? That is the one that kills. What could I have done? What horrible error did I commit?
I can easier accept that I made mistakes than the thought that it was just never meant to be...
Happiness was never an option...
What do I do now?
I can't have what I want. I know that. So, what is the point? A horrible Nihalistic fatalism fills me. It has hung on me all week. Ashes in my mouth.
"Does he ever get the girl..."
JHO
I just can't seem to fight it. Then I dive into it. I had a show tonight. Went out and acted like I was in Love and acting coy and goofy and even sang my little song...
But, I just want to hide. How did it all go so wrong? How did I get here? What could I have done different? That is the one that kills. What could I have done? What horrible error did I commit?
I can easier accept that I made mistakes than the thought that it was just never meant to be...
Happiness was never an option...
What do I do now?
I can't have what I want. I know that. So, what is the point? A horrible Nihalistic fatalism fills me. It has hung on me all week. Ashes in my mouth.
"Does he ever get the girl..."
JHO
1 Comments:
First of all, let me begin by saying: "I'm feeling much better now."
The Darkness has not quite lifted, but definately abated. A healthy dose of anger burned most of it off (Don't worry, it's not you).
I got the chance to witness blind Rightousness in all it's Glory recently, and it is truely the ugliest thing I have ever seen. Here is a direct quote:
"Of course you can take the highground. You know I have no proof against you!"
To her, this is a completely rational position. The depression just melted away...
Looking to the future is difficult. What I'm in now is at an end. It has soured beyond comprehension. What could come next...?
That would involve the breaking of a trust. As much as I may want...
I could never ask that.
So, a conundrum. A Paradox. "Does he ever get the girl?".
The simple answer: Probably not. Can I live with that? I don't know. There. The simple, honest truth.
So, now what...?
JHO
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